Monday, October 25, 2010

Quick! Hide the Ruby Slippers!

When the tornado sirens went off at approximately 3am this morning, I honestly thought I'd made a poor decision in dressing Brantley as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz for Halloween. I half expected us to wake up this morning surrounded by a lion, tin man and scarecrow, being chased by a green witch.

Apparently many of my friends weren't privy to said siren and slept through the whole ordeal, which lasted all of about 3 minutes before the weatherman said the warning for Morgan County had been cancelled. I'm not pointing fingers, but the person responsible for sounding the alarm may have been just a little trigger-happy. And although the bulldog and I got out of bed to see what Jeff Castle had to say about the situation, my little Dorothy slept straight through the whole ordeal.

There's nothing like a good 'ole tornado warning to make you feel like a true Southerner! I remember being pulled out of bed on numerous occasions as a child to go and sit in a neighbor's storm shelter while we waited for a tornado that never came. I use that "shelter" term loosely, seeing as how it was basically a giant ant mound in their yard. You know the kind I'm talking about - they aren't actually even underground except for maybe a foot of dirt. Ah, a false sense of security will go so far in the South! As far as last night is concerned, I'm thankful there was no real threat and that everyone was safe. However, let's not sound those sirens unless I really need to drag my booty out of bed and take shelter in a closet. Otherwise, ignorance is truly bliss and I'd much prefer to just sleep through it all.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Virginia is for Lovers...Utah is for Lunatics

I often recall many words of wisdom given to our senior class by Mr. Hinkle as we sat in our economics class. Most of that wisdom had nothing to do with economics. He once said he'd like to designate a geographical location where we could round up all the "crazy folks" and send them there to live so that nobody else would have to deal with them. Well, I think his dream has come true and it's called Utah.

I would like to shamefully admit that I was sucked in by TLC's "Sister Wives" over the past few weeks. I don't know how, but it just happened. In case you missed this series on the Browns, a polygamist family from (you guessed it) Utah, I'll give you the rundown on the cast of characters.

Kody (The Patriarch): not raised in a polygamist family, chose the lifestyle as a teen, ego the size of Alaska, trying entirely too hard to hold onto his youth with his choice of hairstyle and facial hair...what do you call a goatee that doesn't have a mustache?

Meri (Wife #1): married to Kody 20 years, raised in a 5-wife family, married Kody when he was still a shiny-faced kid, wears the pants in the family, is responsible for "recruiting" other wives, obviously insane.

Janelle (Wife #2): married to Kody 17 years, mother of 5 of the Brown's brood, drank the Kool-Aid, sacrificed friends and family to join the polygamist lifestyle, obviously content to work all day and let Wife #3 do the cooking and child-rearing.

Christine (Wife #3): married to Kody 16 years, mother of 6, always wanted to be the 3rd wife in a family, the only stay-at-home wife, must be a hippie burn-out because she gives her kids names like Aspyn and Truly.

Robyn (and here's where it got interesting): being courted by Kody, becomes wife #4 in final episode, mother of 3 from previous marriage, the boat rocker.

The whole series focuses on this family and the changes they go through adding a fourth wife and her kids to the already enormous family. Kody divides his time evenly among the wives, staying with a different one every night (I mean, he must really think he's a stud), all the while driving four hours to a different city to take Robyn out on dates. This man must have a time machine! There's no way I could keep up with a schedule like that!

Along the way, we learn that Meri (#1) actually met Robyn at a gathering and suggested to her husband that he explore a relationship with her. What kind of wife purposefully hooks her husband up with younger, more attractive women? Anyway, the final episode was last night and it ended with the wedding of Kody to Harem Member #4 and chronicled the jealousy of the other wives along the way. Here's my point in the whole thing: if you as a woman are going to willingly enter a polygamist relationship, don't get angry at the man when he starts shacking up with another woman. You brought this on yourself, girlfriend.

So Mr. Hinkle, you were too late. By the time you made the suggestion to gather up the crazies in 2000, Utah had already been a state for 104 years. And I probably shouldn't make such broad generalizations about the citizens of Utah, but since the Browns are my only reference point, I'm going to jump out on a limb and say that Utah is officially for the insane!